Humour: The Roach Hunt

( The article was written by me in the middle of 2003:, but posted in to blog only in 2006 )

This Story is real and the characters in this story are not fictitious. There were 3 Hindu brothers living in an apartment in Tustin, CA. One day, a few unpaid guests started appearing in their house. They were none other than Roaches. Our broad-minded Hindu brothers welcomed them and gave them food and accommodation. The visitors to the apartment called these roaches PESTS. But our Hindu brothers did not want to offend the feeling of the roaches, so they called them PETS.

These roaches were highly Americanized; you can see romantic roaches even in public places like kitchen counters. These roaches were very active in procreation. Their numbers grew by leaps and bounds. They bred like MUSLIMS. Soon there were packets in Hindu Home, where the roaches were in majority. When you look at the history of Hindustan, whenever people of other religious faiths become the majority, those parts got separated from Hindustan. A similar incident happened, the roaches formed The Roach League and started demanding Roachistan from Hindu Home Land. The roach leader ‘Roachinna’ was heading the separatist movement.

Our Hindu brothers called for a baithak. They realised the need for action. They went to Ralphs (Supermarket) and bought a roach spray and attacked the roaches. But their action was in vain. The roaches ran into their hidden bunkers behind the kitchen cabinets. Their procreation continued and they continued to grow in geometric progression. In the kitchen and Bathroom, they became the arithmetic majority. So, the roach leaders started calling those places West Rochistan and East Roachistan. There were fidayeen attacks on innocent Hindus. Whenever the Hindu brothers opened the kitchen cabinets 2-3 roaches fell on their faces. To defend our Hindu brothers followed the technique of "Dhwe Patha Prathe sara".( i.e they opened the kitchen cabinet doors and ran 2 steps back.). The fidayeen attacks continued. Unattended cereals were towed away by the roaches. Angry roach mobs attacked toor dal and sooji mix and made them inedible. Innumerable Hindu properties were attacked.

Our Hindu brothers again called for a baithak. They decided to seek help from older Hindu brothers in the neighborhood. They contacted an older Hindu brother. He advised them to keep their home neat and clean. He also advised them that they should do it consistently on a daily basis like Sadhana. Our Hindu brothers immediately decided to become Sadaks. Another older Hindu brother gave a detailed bowthik. He told them the issue of termites is non-terminating. i.e the roach population can be minimised but it can't be abolished. He also told because of the jihadi attitude of the roaches, there will be a clash of civilizations on the face of this earth. He also feared that these roaches might someday overtake the Hindus. But, our Hindu brothers did not lose heart after hearing all these. They are Sadaks now. They again called for a baithak. They might be living away from the heart of the Hindu renaissance but their hearts are filled with Hindu renaissance. They decided to make any kind of sacrifice to save the Hindu homeland. They roared " No more partition by the roaches, no more co-existence". There was a "Hum Sadak Ban Gaye" Vyakthi geeth at the end of the baithak.

Next day, they went to the nearest Home Depot and got a fuming pesticide, and opened it in the apartment. The whole apartment became a Gas Chamber. As per the instructions found on the pesticide, the Hindu brothers had to leave the apartment for 2 hours. Our Hindu brothers became homeless like Kashmiri pandits. The park at the intersection of Bryan and Red Hill Ave became their refugee camp. They came back to their home after 3 hours. The house looked like Ahmedabad. There were dead roaches all over the place. Somebody said that some of the roaches that survived the gas chamber had escaped to a faraway community where the roaches originated called "Roach Arabia". And thereafter the Hindu brothers lived in Peace in the Hindu homeland.

Statutory Warning and Legal Disclaimer: After reading the above story, if the reader feels that Gas Chamber is the solution to the Muslim problem. Then it is entirely the opinion of the reader and the author is not responsible for it.

Can Muslims be democratic?

The article was written  by me in the beginning of 2004:, but posted in to blog only in 2006:

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In the wake of the second gulf war, U.S initially referred this operation as Iraqi Occupation. As the task  of forming an international coalition that supports the military action in Iraq become harder, for marketing purposes, U.S changed its phrase to Iraqi Liberation. They changed their statements, stating that the Iraqis were suffering under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein and after overthrowing him, a democratic government will be installed.

 I was wondering whether such a thing is possible. As a citizen of India, I am aware of the fate of  democracy in neighbouring Islamic states. Can Muslims be Democratic?  This article is an effort to find an answer to this question by investigating the political nature of Islam.

Sample Space: The study is based on the countries with Muslim
majority. For the purpose of quantifying the term majority, I consider the
countries whose population is composed of 70% or more of
Muslims are Islamic countries.

S.No.	Country Name	Demographics	Background	Current Governance
1.	Afghanistan	Sunni Muslim 84% Shiate Muslim 15 % Others 1%	Land of Taliban	After U.S overthrew Taliban government, a fragile government is in place with the support of American troops.
2.	Albania	Muslims 70% (Mostly Sunni and about ¼ belong to Bektashi, supposed to be a unorthodox and ”tolerant “ sect) Albanian Orthodox 20% Roman Catholic 10%	The Communist government outlawed all religions in 1967, making Albania the world’s first officially atheist country. Places of worship were closed, church property was confiscated, religious services were banned, and religious practitioners were persecuted. The ban on religion was lifted in 1990.	Emerging Democracy
3.	Algeria	Sunni Muslim 99% Jewish and Christian 1%	French colony for more than a century before gaining independence in 1962.	Radical Islamic group called Islamic salvation front (FIS) gained popularity in late 80’s and early 90’s. FIS’s military wing Islamic salvation Army became stronger that resulted insurgency that claimed more that 100,000 lives between in the last decade.
4.	Azerbaijan	Muslim 93.4%, Russian Orthodox 2.5%, Armenian Orthodox 2.3%, others 1.8% (1995 est.)  note: religious affiliation is still nominal in Azerbaijan; percentages for actual practicing adherents are much lower	Former soviet republic	Infant democracy. In November 1995, first elections were held with restricted number of opposition parties. The UN observers reported about the unfair election process.
5.	Bahrain	Shia Muslim 70% Sunni Muslim 30%	Was under British control until 1971.	Monarchy Ruled by Al-Khalifa family who are Sunni Muslims.
6.	Bangladesh	Muslims 88% (Mostly Sunni) Hindus the reminder 12% With small population of Buddhists and Christians.	Since the nation’s formation in 1971, the government of Bangladesh has undergone many changes. A secular parliamentary form of democracy was established by the 1972 constitution, but it was suspended in late 1974 and replaced in January 1975 by a presidential form of government. The 1972 constitution, as amended, was suspended again in 1982 after a coup d’état. A ban on political activities was rescinded and the constitution reinstated in 1986.	Infant democracy. In February 1991 a parliament of 300 members was elected; 30 additional seats were subsequently filled by indirect ballot. Constitutional provisions abolishing presidential government and restoring a parliamentary democracy, headed by a prime minister, were approved by parliament in August 1991 and ratified by popular referendum in September.
7.	Comoros	Sunni Muslim 98%, Roman Catholic  2%	Unstable Comoros has endured 19 coups or attempted coups since gaining independence from France in 1975.	In 1997, the islands of Anjouan and Moheli declared their independence from Comoros. In 1999, military chief Col. AZALI seized power.
8.	Djibouti	Muslim 94%, Christian 6%	The French Territory of the Afars and the Issas became Djibouti in 1977. Hassan Gouled APTIDON installed an authoritarian one-party state and proceeded to serve as president until 1999. Unrest among the Afars minority during the 1990s led to a civil war that ended in 2001 following the conclusion of a peace accord between Afar rebels and the  Issa-dominated government.	After 20 years of Autocratic rule, democratic process has been in place recently.
9.	Egypt	Muslim (mostly Sunni) 94%, Coptic Christian and other 6%
10.	Gambia	Muslim 90%, Christian 9%, indigenous beliefs 1%	The Gambia gained its independence from the UK in 1965; it formed a short-lived federation of  Senegambia with Senegal between 1982 and 1989. In 1991 the two nations signed a friendship and cooperation treaty. A military coup in 1994 overthrew the president and banned political activity, but a 1996 constitution and presidential elections, followed by parliamentary balloting in 1997, completed a nominal return to civilian rule	The country undertook another round of presidential and legislative elections in late 2001 and early 2002. Yahya A. J. J. JAMMEH, the leader of the coup, has been elected president in all subsequent elections.
11.	Guinea	Muslim 85%, Christian 8%, indigenous beliefs 7%	Guinea has had only two presidents since gaining its independence from France in 1958. Lansana CONTE came to power in 1984, when the military seized the government after the death of the first president, Sekou TOURE.	Guinea did not hold democratic elections until 1993 when Gen. CONTE (head of the military government) was elected president of the civilian government. He was re-elected in 1998 and again in 2003. Unrest in Sierra Leone and Liberia has spilled over into Guinea on several occasions over the past decade, threatening stability and creating humanitarian emergencies.
12.	Indonesia	Worlds largest Muslim country (by population) Muslim 88%, Protestant 5%, Roman Catholic 3%, Hindu 2%, Buddhist 1%, other 1% (1998)	The Dutch began to colonize Indonesia in the early 17th century; the islands were occupied by Japan from 1942 to 1945. Indonesia declared its independence after Japan's surrender, but it required four years of intermittent negotiations, recurring hostilities, and UN mediation before the Netherlands agreed to relinquish its colony.	The transition to popularly-elected governments after four decades of authoritarianism
13.	Iran	Shi'a Muslim 89%, Sunni Muslim 9%, Zoroastrian, Jewish, Christian, and Baha'i 2%	Known as Persia until 1935, Iran became an Islamic republic in 1979 after the ruling monarchy was overthrown and the shah was forced into exile.	Clerical forces established a theocratic system of government with ultimate political authority nominally vested in a learned religious scholar.
14.	Iraq	Muslim 97% (Shi'a 60%-65%, Sunni 32%-37%), Christian or other 3%	Formerly part of the Ottoman Empire, Iraq was   occupied by Britain during the course of World War I; in 1920, it was declared a League of Nations mandate under UK administration. In stages over the next dozen years, Iraq attained its independence as a kingdom in 1932.	A "republic" was proclaimed in 1958, but in actuality a series of military strongmen ruled the country, the latest was SADDAM Husayn.
15.	Jordan	Sunni Muslim 92%, Christian 6% (majority Greek Orthodox, but some Greek and Roman Catholics, Syrian Orthodox, Coptic Orthodox, Armenian Orthodox, and Protestant denominations), other 2% (several small Shi'a Muslim and Druze populations) (2001 est.)	For most of its history since independence from British administration in 1946, Jordan was ruled by King HUSSEIN (1953-99).	Recent democratic elections were held.
16.	Kyrgyzstan	Muslim 75%, Russian Orthodox 20%, other 5%	Former Soviet Republic	Infant democracy.
17.	Kuwait	Muslim 85% (Sunni 70%, Shi'a 30%), Christian, Hindu, Parsi, and other 15%	Britain oversaw foreign relations and defense for the ruling Kuwaiti AL-SABAH dynasty from 1899 until independence in 1961	Monarchy
18.	Libya	Sunni Muslim 97%	From the earliest days of his rule following his 1969 military coup, Col. Muammar Abu Minyar al-QADHAFI has espoused his own political system, the Third Universal Theory. The system is a combination of socialism and Islam derived in part from tribal practices and is supposed to be implemented by the Libyan people themselves in a unique form of "direct democracy."	Dictatorship that organizes state sponsored terrorism.
20.	Mauritania	Muslim 100%	Independent from France in 1960, Mauritania annexed the southern third of the former Spanish Sahara  (now Western Sahara) in 1976, but relinquished it after three years of raids by the Polisario guerrilla front seeking independence for the territory. Maaouya Ould Sid Ahmed TAYA siezed power in a coup in 1984. Opposition parties were legalized and a new constitution approved in 1991. Two multiparty presidential elections since then were widely seen as flawed, but October 2001 legislative and municipal elections were generally free and open.	A bloodless coup in August 2005 deposed President TAYA and ushered in a military council headed by Col. Ely Ould Mohamed VALL.
21.	Morocco	Muslim 98.7%, Christian 1.1%, Jewish 0.2%	A protracted independence struggle with France ended successfully in 1956.	Emerging Democracy. Gradual political reforms in the 1990s resulted in the establishment of a bicameral legislature in 1997.
22.	Oman	Ibadhi Muslim 75%, Sunni Muslim, Shi'a Muslim, Hindu	In 1970, QABOOS bin Said Al Said ousted his father and has ruled as sultan ever since.	Monarchy
23.	Pakistan	Muslim 97% (Sunni 77%, Shi'a 20%), Christian, Hindu, and other 3%	The separation in 1947 of British India into the Muslim state of Pakistan (with two sections West and East) and largely Hindu India was never satisfactorily resolved, and India and Pakistan have fought two wars - in 1947-48 and 1965 - over the disputed Kashmir territory.	Dictatorship
24.	Qatar	Muslim 95%	Ruled by the Al Thani family since the mid-1800s	Monarchy
25.	Saudi Arabia	Muslim 100%	A very strong form of Islam known as Deobandi is majority.	Monarchy. Ruled by the custodian of the holy mosques. (otherwise known as the king)
26.	Senegal	Muslim 94%, indigenous beliefs 1%,  Christian 5% (mostly Roman Catholic)	Independent from France in 1960	Democracy
27.	Somalia	Sunni Muslim	One of the poorest ethnic states	Anarchy
28.	Sudan	Sunni Muslim 70% (in north), indigenous beliefs 25%, Christian 5% (mostly in south and Khartoum)	Military regimes favoring Islamic-oriented governments have dominated national politics since independence from the UK in 1956.	Dictatorship.
29.	Syria	Muslims 90% Sunni Muslim 74%, Alawite, Druze, and other Muslim sects 16%, Christian (various sects) 10%, Jewish (tiny communities in Damascus, Al Qamishli, and Aleppo)	republic under military regime since March 1963	Dictatorship
30.	Tajikistan	Muslims 90% Sunni Muslim 85%, Shi'a Muslim 5%, other 10% (2003 est.)	Former Soviet Republic	With civil war from 1992-1997, the country is struggling to strengthen its infant democracy.
31.	Tunisia	Muslim 98%, Christian 1%, Jewish and other 1%	Following independence from France in 1956, President Habib BOURGUIBA established a strict one-party state	One Party system.
32.	Turkey	Muslim 99.8% (mostly Sunni), other 0.2% (mostly Christians and Jews)	After a period of one-party rule, an experiment with multi-party politics led to the 1950 election victory of the opposition Democratic Party and the peaceful transfer of power.	Fragile Democracy. 4 military coups so far.
33.	Uzbekistan	Muslim 88% (mostly Sunnis), Eastern Orthodox 9%, other 3%	Former soviet republic	Dictatorship.
34.	United Arab Emirates	Muslim 96% (Shi'a 16%), Christian, Hindu, and other 4%	Federation of 7 states, Abu Zaby (Abu Dhabi), 'Ajman, Al Fujayrah, Ash Shariqah (Sharjah), Dubayy (Dubai), Ra's al Khaymah, Umm al Qaywayn	Democratic
35.	Yemen	Predominently Muslim	The southern Yemen had a Marxist orientation. This resulted in internal war between north and south Yemen for 20 years.

The list of Muslim countries might not be exhaustive but even scanning the above list will give you the social and political nature of Islam. Democracy represents freedom of thought. Freedom of thought is not an attribute of Islam. So, You can imagine the probability of success of U.S initiative for brining in democracy in Iraq and even in Afganistan.